Reference checks that actually work: five questions to ask a previous family

Most families ask a previous employer “Was she good?” and hear “Yes, lovely.” That tells you nothing. Ten minutes and five better questions tell you almost everything.

Before you call

Ask the au pair for two references: a previous family and one other person who has seen them with children, such as a coach, teacher, crèche manager or church leader. Ask for names, roles and numbers. On Au Pair Nation you can ask in the chat; a candidate who can’t supply two is unusual and worth a follow-up question.

Confirm the reference is who they say they are. A quick search of the name, or a call to a landline or workplace, is enough.

The five questions

1. “What did a normal afternoon look like?” You’re checking that the role matches what the au pair told you: the ages, the driving, the hours. Mismatches aren’t always dishonesty, but they’re always worth asking about.

2. “Tell me about a time something went wrong.” Every placement has one: a lost child at a sports day, a fender-bender, a missed pickup. What you want to hear is how the au pair handled it and whether they told the family promptly. A reference who “can’t think of anything” is either not being honest or wasn’t paying attention.

3. “Why did the arrangement end?” Moving cities, finishing a degree, the children outgrowing the need: fine. Vague answers, or a story that doesn’t match the au pair’s, need a second question.

4. “Would you hire them again, and is there anything you’d want to know in advance?” The second half is the one that matters. It gives a fair-minded referee room to say “she’s wonderful, just make sure you’re clear about hours.”

5. “How were they with the children when you weren’t there?” Ask specifically about what the children said, what the house was like when the family came home, and how the children reacted to the au pair leaving. Children are honest referees by proxy.

Listening

Long pauses, careful wording and generic praise are all information. So is enthusiasm. A referee who volunteers a story about the au pair calming a toddler through a tantrum is telling you more than any adjective.

When references don’t add up

Ask the au pair about the gap directly and calmly. There is often a reasonable explanation. If there isn’t, thank them and move on. On Au Pair Nation you can decline or end a connection at any point, and the safety guide covers when to report.

The rest of the process

References are one part. The interview guide covers the questions to ask the au pair themselves, and a paid trial of two or three afternoons remains the best test of all.