Five signs an au pair arrangement is working, and three that it isn't

A month in, most arrangements feel fine. Here’s how to tell whether they actually are.

Signs it’s working

1. The handover is short. When the five minutes at the door are calm and factual, the day was handled. Long, anxious handovers mean something isn’t settled.

2. The children stop mentioning the au pair. Early on, children report every detail. When the au pair becomes part of the furniture, that’s trust.

3. Nobody checks their phone in the afternoon. Parents who can go a whole afternoon without messaging, and au pairs who don’t need to ask what to do next, have a routine that works.

4. Problems arrive with a suggested fix. “The cricket coach moved practice to Wednesday; I can do it if we swap Tuesday” is what a good arrangement sounds like.

5. Pay, hours and paperwork are boring. Same amount, same day, no surprises, agreement signed, UIF registered. Boring is the goal.

Signs it isn’t

1. The hours have crept. Fifteen minutes here, an evening there, a Saturday “just this once”. Both sides notice; only one usually says so. Fix it by going back to the written grid and agreeing what extra hours cost.

2. Housework has crept. If the au pair is wiping down the kitchen for the whole family or folding adult laundry, the role has changed. Either pay for the extra job or stop asking.

3. Communication has gone quiet. A family who stops doing handovers, or an au pair who stops mentioning small incidents, is usually avoiding a conversation. Have it. Ten minutes at the end of the week, both sides saying what they’d change.

For au pairs specifically

If pay is late twice, if you’re asked to do something unsafe, if you feel uncomfortable in the home, or if a family blames you for their own lateness, say it once clearly and in writing. If it continues, give proper notice and move on. There are more families looking than there are good au pairs, and the safety guide covers when to leave immediately.

For families specifically

If the au pair is late more than occasionally, if the children are unsettled, if homework isn’t being done, or if you learn about incidents from the school rather than the au pair, raise it now. Most issues are fixable in a ten-minute conversation in month one and unfixable by month four.

The monthly check

Once a month, ask each other the same three questions: what’s working, what’s not, what should change. Write the answers in the shared note. It takes ten minutes and it’s the single best habit an arrangement can have.